Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
