recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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