I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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