I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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