she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
