Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
