The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
