I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
