i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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