Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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