dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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