i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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