we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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