I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
