I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
