Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
