she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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