I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
