Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
