Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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