I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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