his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
