I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
