This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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