Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
