oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
