genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
