As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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