matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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