forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
if only i could text you this smell
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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