Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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