sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
