he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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