I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
