I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
