our cab driver is having phone sex.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
