My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
