she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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