Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
