i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
