hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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