I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
