today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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