White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
