How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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