i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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