My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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