weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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