Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
