he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
