Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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