Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
