Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
