There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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