had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
