i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i want to swaddle you in tequila
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
