bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
