bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
