eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
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