"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
