your thong is hanging out like whoa
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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