dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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