how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
