Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
