I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
