Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
