Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize